Let’s go round up some
bills, fellers…
The Texas Legislature is a venerable institution; a place of
studied consideration of public policy. It is also peopled solely by Texans,
who are occasionally seized by that unique Texas character that is a mix of independent
spirit, fundamentalist zeal, and oddly polite velociraptor.
She’s got that Texas
Spirit. Or a wedgie. It’s hard to tell.
This inevitably leads to some eyebrow-raising legislation
packed in among the loftier bills. Many are garden variety last gasps of
mid-century American cultural hegemony, but once in a while they are some that
are just particularly odd. Here are a few of my favorites from the new session so
far, by topic. Some are bizarre, some are just overtly hostile, and some are
just…Texas.
Religion
Religion[i],
like everything else, is big in Texas. Big megachurches, big influence, big hair on pastors’ wives. Unfortunately, sometimes it also means big-otry . This
year actually has not seen a lot of truly crazy bills in the religion side of
things, but the session isn’t over yet. Here’s what has been filed so far:
HB51 – allows the
Ten Commandments to be displayed prominent in classrooms, regardless of whether
the class has any relation to non-religious aspects of the Commandments[ii].
No such protections are offered for other religious dictates (5 pillars of
Islam, etc.)
HB308 – allows
people to use “traditional winter celebration” greetings in schools (Read:
Christmas, and , begrudgingly, Hannukah). It does not include Kwanzaa,
solstice, Festivus, etc[iii].
The bill also protects the right to
erect Christmas displays[iv].
The greatest bit about this bill is its continuance of the ongoing theme of “legislation
whose aim it is to cure perceived ills that don’t actually exist”. Oddly “happy holidays”, the fury touchstone of
the far right, is one of the protected greetings.
HB 285 – This bill
prohibits universities from discriminating against professors who want to
research and teach intelligent design. This essentially means that universities
cannot stop a professor from teaching intelligent design in a biology class. It
also potentially means that in hiring professors, a school may not be able to
discriminate against candidates for a position even if they are teaching
something completely against the accepted curriculum of that area of study. This
is akin to hiring a nutrition teacher who advocates anorexia.
HB 288 – In
unrelated contrast to its other xenophobic elements, HB 288 also contains a
provision that emphasizes the separation of church and state…..but only in
terms that the church should be completely autonomous from the state.
Guns!
Nowhere else does the Texas spirit of independence shine
through quite so brightly[v]
as their fondness for the firearm. Every time someone in Washington even says “gun”
in passing conversation, there is a run on Texas guns and ammunition from
crazed citizens SURE that the very next day black helicopters will swoop in to
take their guns and leave them unable to defend themselves against robbers,
rapists, and/or Joe Biden.
In the face of school shootings and a serious national
discourse on gun control, the general aim of Texas legislatiure is….well, completely
in the opposite direction. Texas, once again, is doubling down on guns[vi].
HB 706/SB 182 – Got a firearm and a concealed carry permit,
but having to face the heartbreak of leaving it behind when you go to school?
No more! In an era of school shootings there is no better solution than to add
a general fear that anyone you run into may be carrying a firearm. This is
perfectly logical, because teenagers/young adults never act impulsively or irrationally in a way that would be
dangerous to combine with firearms. Every frat party I ever went to was merely
a sober salon in which we discussed 14th century French literature.
HB 700 – Ok, fine,
HB706, you think you’re head crazypants for bringing more guns to schools? Well
meh, you’ve got nothing on me. I’m HB700, and I want to make it legal to carry
your gun in the open if you have concealed carry permit. That’s right, we’re
going back to the frontier days. What’s the point of packing that new penis
compensator .44 Magnum if you can’t show it off to the world? Bet that
barista in Starbucks won’t be so uppity now when I say Large instead of Venti.
I’m getting downright gunslinger up in here.
HB 553 – Continuing the theme of open defiance to perceived
federal government overreach, this “second
amendment preservation act” effectively says any federal gun control is a violation
of the second amendment and won’t be accepted. Any. Not
only that, it adds punishments for peace officers who carry out such laws in
their role of protecting the public. One step closer to completely free access
to guns unfettered by government. I hear this has worked out fantastically well
in Somalia.
Goddam’ Furr-iners
Texas shares two international borders[vii],
and employs seemingly half of Mexico and Guatemala. However, even given this
close proximity and familiarity, there is a strong and abiding fear of anything
not originating in ‘Murica. Mostly it seems based on the assumptions that
illegal immigrants will come steal the jobs that we’re already illicitly paying
them to do.
A few of the bills are just minor shots across the federal
bow. HB 180 removes completion of degree program as a resident status criteria in
response to the feared Obama DREAM act and decision not to deport young people.
HB 288 requires no application of foreign international law in courts that
already do not apply foreign international law. HB 359 is essentially a copy of
Arizona’s “Show Me Your Papers” fascist marching orders legislation.
The one that takes the cake for its nod to the tinfoil hat
crowd is HB 181, which prohibits governments from making day labor centers to
house illegal aliens for work. Again carrying on the proud tradition of taking
a symbolic and vitriolic stand against imaginary things. I am motivated by this
example to personally propose HB32 next session, a bill I will entitle the “Prevent
Victoria’s Secret Models from Kidnapping Me to be Their Love Slave Act”.
The Rest of the Crazy
The remaining bills don’t fit nicely into one category other
than the general catch-all of Crazy. They are presented in order of crazy from “mildly
deranged” to “I weep for humanity”.
HB 360 is a mostly unfunny bill that indicates schools won’t
get funding if they don’t allow student organizations to discriminate based on
race, gender and sexual orientation. Because schools were just getting downright
welcoming with their emphasis on “inclusion” and “diversity” and …“basic human
dignity”.
HB 773 requires students to pledge allegiance to the US flag
and to the Texas flag in charter schools as well as public schools. This act is
not in itself crazy, as it’s just adding the charter schools. What is odd is
that this is already mandatory in public schools. Before I came to Texas, I
have never lived in a state that required
pledging allegiance, let alone to a state flag. Take THAT, Supremacy
Clause[viii].
HB 778 – Requires A&M and UT to play an annual football
game. Not recommends, not suggests they do so out of tradition, but REQUIRES.
If they refuse for any reason, they would lose the ability to give football
scholarships at all to any students. Texas football is serious business, and we
will have our traditional A&M and UT game even if it has to be at gunpoint.
Luckily, there are at least two bills that would allow us to carry firearms on
campuses, so this won’t be a problem.
HB337 - The absolute best bill of the bunch, however is this heavy-handed bill referring to the licensure of adult-oriented businesses and
display of said licensing. The hilarity comes in its inclusion of exotic dancers in
its requirements. Strippers must not only be licensed by the state, which brings
up the inevitable jokes about license testing procedures, but they must also
display their license. At all times. ON
THEIR PERSON. The conversations that will ensue about how the logistics
work out (what am I supposed to attach it to?), and potential liability (client
paper cuts during lap dances?) will make for the best hearings ever.
NOTES
[i]
Which tends to translate solely to Christianity in Texas talk, despite growing diversity
in many areas.
[ii]
i.e. comparative religion, history, etc.
[iii]
One might argue that Saturnalia, Solstice, etc are a good deal more “traditional”
than Hannukah or Christmas….
[iv] Though
it does require they be “balanced” by having another display (not necessarily
of equal prominence reflecting another religion (read: Judaism) or secular
scene.
[v]
This term is being used, of course, in the sense of a metaphor for prominence,
not in the context of bright in which it refers to intelligence. I cannot
emphasize this enough.
[vi]
Which gives a whole new meaning to Texas Hold ‘em.
[vii]
According to Texans, anyway. Those borders are Mexico and the US.
[viii]
In Texas history, the Supremacy Clause is depicted as Santa’s more successful brother.
i.e., a mythical thing.
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