Our Houston home search, month 1 - Oddities and eccentricities.

Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, Houston Branch?

My wife and I have rented for a fairly long time[i]. We had held off buying for various reasons[ii] (chiefly among them my first law of real estate dynamics, concerning inertia; namely, Objects in rent tend to stay in rent. Conversely, Objects in mortgage tend to stay in mortgage, unless acted upon by an opposing foreclosure. However, since we’re reasonably sure we’ll be here for another couple years, kids might be in the card in the near future, and we’re rapidly running out of room, we decided now’s a decent time to start looking[iii]. So we’ve dipped out toes into the raging shark tank of the Houston real estate market.

In my dreams, the sharks swarm around me with little acronyms like APR and ARM and little percentage signs on their fins (photo courtesy of Flickr User Macorig Paolo).

Houston isn’t as expensive[iv] (overall) as the other top 5 largest cities, but its real estate is decidedly, well…weird[v].

Houston’s lack of zoning is well documented. While it usually isn’t a huge issue, there are the occasional odd proximity situations, as shown in this picture, which includes a high cost residential business, a super-fancy mall, and…the Zone d’Erotica. (Photo courtesy of Flickr user DanMelinger.)

I’m sure I’ll write more about our trials and tribulations as we descend into the horrifying nether depths of the Houston market, but for now we’re still in the “looking around” stage. Some of our initial forays have served to completely divorce any notion of cost being a good predictor of taste or condition in local housing[vi]. Houston has a fantastic real estate website with incredibly detailed and GIS-enabled search capabilities and house information. It makes it easy to “see” a large number of potential homes, and weed out the bad without having to spend foot time doing so. More importantly for the sake of this post, it also gives one the voyeuristic ability to see and shamelessly ridicule some of the more...”eccentric” home and décor choices.

Here are a few eyebrow-raising examples we came across in some of our perusing. Some awful, some awe-inspiringly odd, and some on that fever-dream line between cool and some form of heretical real estate blasphemy[vii] (photos courtesy of HAR.com.)

Is it just me, or these oddly contrasted cabinets give the impression of pairs of big white eyes, with tiny, crossed pupils?

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a modernistic deconstruction of “garage”, a jury-rigged portcullis, or just a fantastic underestimation of the value of walls to a garage’s primary purposes. Either way, awesome.

Shortly after this photo was taken, the king sized bed collapsed under the sheer weight load of pillows. Upon hearing the news, the husband cheered. Silently. In his head.

Interesting wallpaper choices abound, ranging from “am I in the bathroom, or on safari?? I don’t know!! “, to “the look of exposed brick and cheap wallpaper, together at last in faux brick wallpaper!”.

You have to appreciate the understated elegance of combining “tuscan villa décor” with “60 ‘s mod fireplace[viii]”, “80’s Mirror Wall” and “country living” wood floors, all in one master bedroom. Awesomely enough, it almost works.

“We started building a wall, and then figured, what the hell, we’ll build a house behind it.” Downsides? No windows, house likely to be mistaken for Alamo and besieged by Santa Ana. Upsides? When the zombies come, you get the last laugh.

“I’m worried that our house number won’t be visible from the street….if only I could find some 6-foot numbers to plaster on the side of the place….”. When you absolutely, positively need your house number to be seen from space…

“We spent everything we had on the house, rug and sofas, so when it came to the coffee table……”. I’m pretty sure this shot is not taken from the “Guide to Staging Houses” manual.

This house has a toilet that’s separate from the rest of the bathroom in a small enclosure. That’s not too odd. What’s a bit off is that enclosure seems to be lined with mirrors. My mind rebels at trying to figure out why such a room, given its only potential purpose, would be coated in mirrors. Frankly, I feel bad for the mirrors. I rarely feel the need for a multi-angle view of my toilet time.

My tub has its own chandelier. My pants…they are fancy. Because you never know when you will be taking a bath and a formal dinner will break out. Best to be prepared.

I don’t even know where to start on this one. Let’s start with the house itself: I mean, first of all, has anyone informed the Weasley’s that their home is up for sale? Does it come with a house elf? Are Chambers of Secrets covered under normal home inspections? Is a gable fetish a real thing? Next, let’s move to the imposing wood …structure(?) behind the house. Are they trying to be astronauts, on the installment plan? Was the height of the old diving board for the pool just really that lame? Does this remind anyone else of that episode of Buffy where the crazy people build the massive wood structure to open a portal for Glory? Though, that being said, I can’t help but applaud and add this to my “potential zombie apocalypse safe houses” list.

Notes

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[i] I rented my first apartment in 1998. I rented my second in 2000. I rented my third in 2003. I have been there ever since. That’s 13 years of renting, 8 years of which in the same place in Houston.

[ii] Our apartment (2 bed, 2 bath) is relatively spacious as apartments go (my wife would disagree, and point to the Wall o’ Boxes in our bedroom, in which we have, well, a wall of boxes, for which we simply don’t have a place for most of their contents) and relatively inexpensive (tax advantages notwithstanding, we aren’t really paying much more in yearly rent than a year of property taxes, HOA fees, and upkeep would cost for a house in our area.) I’m not really enamored of Houston real estate options in our price range (generic McMansions, or crumbling ranch homes from the 60’s and 70’s.), and we’ve not been sure we’re going to stay. Though to be honest, the greatest reason has probably been sheer inertia.

[iii] Record low interest rates reaching the point of almost being negated by inflation helped push us forward.

[iv] The average price, however, doesn’t really paint a picture of Houston. Being so spread out (600+ square miles in just the city limits, plus hundreds more in bedroom communities, etc.) land is not as much at a premium. However, proximity is. You can get a nice $150,000 modest home, if you don’t mind a 2 hour commute. You can also pay 2,000,000 for a moderately awful ranch home in the right neighborhood. While the low cost exurban housing skews the number, the “inside the loop” costs of being anywhere near employment centers leaves Houston housing pretty much in line with places like LA and Chicago.

[v] To start, Houston has no zoning, leading to all sorts of odd bedfellows. What is and isn’t a good neighborhood in Houston is often as granular as which street you happen to be on. There’s not really a good or bad side of town, and in many areas, there’s not even a good and bad side of the neighborhood. A mansion may be a street away from a hovel. That mixed income appeals to the planner in me, but makes finding a nice safe neighborhood a somewhat more difficult proposition.

[vi] One choice example was a home at the very top of our price. At that price point we’d expect it to be pretty close to perfect. Personally, at that price point, I’d expect it to come with an alarm system comprised of a horde of particularly vigilant unicorns. However, this place had not been renovated since the late 60’s, including lumpy shag carpeting, original 60’s appliances, and a smell that I could only describe as a heady mix of mold, dust, old people and quiet desperation. I’m pretty sure evolution was taking place at a frighteningly fast clip in the sludge in what once may have been a pool. I’d be afraid to remove the mold and termites from this place, for fear of them making up the majority of the structure at this point…

[vii] Of course, taste is subjective. No offense is intended to anyone whose home may resemble some of these characteristics.

[viii] Which brings up another Houston oddity. Houston is a semi-tropical city built in a torrid, sweltering belt of swamp and coastal prairie, with sustained temperatures in the 90’s and 100’s for most of the summer, and lows rarely reaching into the 40’s or 30’s in the “winter”. Therefore, it makes perfect sense that every home, no matter how modest, includes at least one, if not multiple, fireplaces. Because nothing is as cost effective as a fireplace(s) and chimney(s) that will get used maybe once, reluctantly, a decade.

Winter and Migration Birding, 2011

Orchard Oriole (female)

As much as I may not like to admit it sometimes, I spend an appreciable amount of my time between late March and mid Mayⁱ doing what any other reasonable person might call “birding”. I've written before about my take on hard core birding, so I won't belabor the point. Suffice it to say, if I am a birder, rather than a wildlife generalistⁱⁱ, I am an exceedingly casual one. But as wildlife goes, the upper Gulf Coast of Texas is one of the premier birding areas of the countryⁱⁱⁱ, and a fairly good sized piece of the coast is set aside as National Wildlife Refuges or other sanctuary^iv. We are smack dab in the flight path of the Central Migratory Flyway, meaning when Spring migration comes, we are the first rest stop after a grueling flight across the Gulf from the Yucatan for millions upon millions of birds. And almost as many birders on a busy day in April. So, if you're going to watch wildlife here, it's all about the birds.

Yellow-Crowned Night Heron

Starting in 2008/2009, I had the privilege of meeting^v and getting to hang out with two enthusiastic naturalists from Brazos Bend State Park where I (now) volunteer^vi. Bill Godly is the epitome of the naturalist's naturalist. He is never without a story, has a wealth of information inside his head, and is about as welcoming and enthusiastic as you can hope for. David Heinecke is a Ranger at the Park, and is patient, with an extraordinary depth of knowledge and a seemingly unflappable good humor. Had I been exposed early on to some of the more nefarious types of birders, I'm not sure I would have been much interested. Luckily I had some excellent “mentors” in these two larger than life gentlemen.

Bill and David Leading a Bird Hike, Bill the Naturalist, David with Kestrel.

In the ensuing years, I've gained an appreciation of birdwatching/birding^vii as I've written about here in 2009 and 2010. While I'm still not the sort to chase reports of rare birds halfway across the state^viii, I have kept track of species I've seen^ix. Even though I still like to call it dinosaur viewing now and again, with a tip of my hat to the phylogenetic/cladistics crowd, I think I've gotten comfortable with, well, knowing a little bit about birds. Come Spring, if you put a bird on it (Portlandia notwithstanding) I'm likely to be there. A good part of my involvement is photography, and the two interests meld fairly well^x.

A rare (for me) catch of a common bird – Red-Tailed Hawk in Flight, Quintana, TX. (once in a while even a bad photo setup can luck out)

While most birders make their concurrent migration^xi during the big Spring event, the “hard-core” birding community gets an early start on things with the Christmas Bird Count. The CBC is an annual event held internationally in the December-January time frame, in which the volunteers spend a whole day, well...counting birds. There are set “count circles” of 15 mile diameters, including quite a few in the Houston area. I went to my first one last year, at the Brazos Bend State Park- run count^xii. This year, I was a co-coordinator for the Count, which has the potential of being the same logistical mess as any volunteer run large public event, but thanks to the seasoned Mr. Godley, everything ran to a tee. It's sort of a social event for the local birding community, complete with a Count dinner, a ceremonial reading of the results, and even a trophy for “Best Bird” (which my team won last year, just sayin'.). I lead a team to a property I hadn't been to before, so it was a bit of an adventure, even a much of a stretch as that word may be in relation to birdwatching. We had a banner year with record attendance and record numbers of species. All in all a good, early start to the “birding season^xiii”. We spent the next couple months sporadically hiking here and there, catching some of our winter birds^xiv in anticipation of the spring rush.

Winter Birds and Birders

Merlin, CBC Volunteers Counting Birds, Ruby-Crowned Kinglet, Barred Owl, Red-headed Woodpecker, American Bittern, Ring-necked Ducks, Red-winged Blackbird, Great-tailed Grackle, Blue-grey Gnatcatcher, Vermillion Flycatcher, Rusty Blackbird (male), Snow Geese over Brazoria NWR.

But the real “go-time” for the area is the Spring Migration with its flurry of neotropical birds of all shapes and sizes, including the vast array of warblers. While we have many warbler species that are common sites, the sheer volume and diversity of species that comes through in the Spring is what brings many of us out for viewing. Warblers are small, flitty little birds that are only here in select locations, and only for very short times....by definition the absolute worst combination of elements for a photographer...small subject, evasive, time-sensitive, and needs to be shot from distances (usually). If there's one thing that drives a lot of the birding community, outside of a genuine appreciation for the outdoors and wildlife, it's novelty. We are awash in brilliantly red Northern Cardinals and steely Blue-gray gnatcatchers all winter long...we have elegant Great Egrets and regal Red-tailed Hawks along every ditch and highway. But these species hardly get a glance. But if a rare warbler shows up, well, let's just say less communication and mobilization took place to launch the Normandy invasion... Still, it's always a bit cool to see something you've never seen before, to figuratively touch another little piece of the huge mass of ecological systems constantly swirling around us.

Prothonatary Warbler – a early sign of migration. (Just like the sun, it is advised not to look directly at the Prothonotary Warbler's overwhelming yellowness.)

And it's all in good fun. Any day out of the office with boots on the ground is by definition a good day. So I've spent a good part of the late-March-to-early-May time period this year tromping around all manner of park, wetland, back roads, prairie, etc. One of the redeeming features of the Houston area is just how many large public lands are within a 2-3 hour drive. On the map below, I visited each of these locations (with the exception of McFarland NWR and the National Forests) at least once in Winter and Spring 2011, with multiple regular visits to some of our usual haunts like Brazos Bend State Park and Quintana. It's amaizng the sheer variety of habitat that can be found in that stretch, from rolling prarie to coastal wetlands, to bottomland forests, to dense pineywood areas, and so on. Even on the minute level, a change of a few miles may mean a completely different habitat.

Birding Locations – Upper Gulf Coast, Texas

A lot of the trips were combinations of the bi-weekly bird hikes down at Brazos Bend with a complementary road trip down to to the tiny, coastal town of Quintana. There's not much in Quintana, but it's a fantastic place to see birds, as it's one of the first few pieces of wooded land that birds come to after a grueling flight over the Gulf. It's just a couple acres of scrub trees on a barrier island, but it draws the birds in droves. We'd usually tool down to Quintana with a couple other folks from the bird hikes, and spend a few hours in the woods, tidal marshes and beach. As I have every other friday off, I often set out on my own for some of our amazing National Wildlife Refuges in the area. Needless to say I put a lot of miles on my boots this Spring. All in all, I logged about 35 new species, and got some great shots and views of familiar ones. I found a couple great new public lands I hadn't visited before, and met a slew of interesting characters. Some of the places were beautiful (Attwater NWR), some were relatively ugly (Bollivar Peninsula) but each was an interesting look at a specific ecosystem. I still don't feel right calling myself a birder, per se^xv, but I certainly have advanced my knowledge by a bit. One of the highlights of the season included seeing the greatly endangered Attwater's Prairie Chicken, which is only really findable one time a year when the refuge lets people into restricted areas. But enough talk, here's some of the product of this season's sojourning.

Warblers

Black-throated Green Warbler(male), Bay-breasted Warbler (male), Blackburnian Warbler (male), Northern Parula (female), Black and White Warbler, Yellow Warbler

Other Spring/Migratory birds

Indigo Bunting (male), Eastern Kingbird, Orchard Oriole (male), Summer Tanager, Painted Bunting (female), Dickcissel (female), Barn Swallows, Cliff Swallow on Nest, Gray-cheeked Thrush, Lark Sparrow, Veery, Laughing Gulls on the Ferry.

Wading Birds and Shore Birds^xvi

Great Egret with Water Hyacinth, Least Bittern, Snowy Egret Hunting, Marbled Godwit, Pectoral Sandpiper, Killdeer (juvenile), Black-necked Stilt, Purple Gallinule, Least Sandpiper, Reddish Egret, Long-billed Curlew, Glossy Ibis, American Golden Plover, Your Phalarope is No More – It has Ceased to Be, Western Sandpiper, Upland Sandpiper.

Raptors and Other Cool Birds^xvii

Northern Harrier in Flight, Eastern Screech Owl, Common Nighthawk at Rest, Attwater's Prairie Chicken

iMigration season here on the upper Gulf Coast.

iiWhich in itself is an overly grandiose term for someone who just likes to wander around in the woods and check out stuff.

iiiOnly overshadowed regionally by the ludicrously diverse Rio Grande Valley during migration.

ivTo be fair, much of the coast is pure, unusable wetlands really only good for the occasional (thousand) oil wells, so the vast public holdings aren't really the outcome of public commitment to the environment. Of not much use to us, however they are fantastic habitat for all manner of birds.

vActually, meeting again....I'd met them numerous times on hikes at Brazos Bend SP, but didn't know them personally.

viMostly because after numerous bird hikes at Brazos Bend and jaunts down to the coats, Bill turned around in the car one time and said, you know, you really should volunteer....

viiGod forbid you use the wrong term at the wrong time with the wrong person. Bird watching is what you do at a feeder in your backyard. Birding is what you do with $2000 swarovski binoculars and a $20,0000 600mm f/2.8 telephoto lens. Or so one would assume from the typical birder on the coast. I actually like “bird-watching” better , because it implies one is watching the bird, not just checking it off a list or somehow making “bird” into a verb. But really, it's all the same.

viiiWhich is no small thing in a state like Texas

ixTo be fair, I do that for most major groups of Animalia, even recognizing how deeply, deeply geeky that sounds.

xNow that, that is a bald faced lie. To be a bird photographer is to be perpetually poor, or perpetually frustrated. The cost of gear used by top wildlife photographers is equivalent to first-car, or even first-home standards. $10,000 lenses, $4,000 cameras, expensive tripods, all manner of accoutrements. It's no game for the weak of heart. I have decent camera, but my lens selection is...well, atrocious. But that's the opportunity cost of staying solvent. Bird photography is inherently horribly because it involves very small subjects that don't stand still, often at very great distances. Still, even with my paltry setup, I luck out now and then.

xiWhile the birds migrate north from Mexico, etc, the birders migrate south to the coast, and into binocular and camera shops.

xiiWhich is not always considered a “serious” count, even though it turns in numbers that would drive most of the rest of the country eight shades of jealous. But it's a family oriented, beginners welcome, sort of count. Apparently some of the more coastal counts are a bit more snooty about their counting. Which, honestly, is HILLARIOUS. God forbid I'm not a hardcore enough BIRDER to be part of your special club. It's kind of like saying, “You may be pretty good with your home electronics, but we'd rather only have full on AV-club members at our party. “ …...Right.

xiiiWhich, to be honest, for many of these folks is year-round, 24/7, 365.

xivWinter is the time for waterfowl on the coast, with huge swarms of geese, ducks of almost innumerable species, and a handful of other wintering birds and raptors.

xvMostly because a horrible day birding is redeemed for me by seeing a new species of snake, etc. And I still think trash birds like Cardinals are pretty cool.

xviThese fellows aren't usually the draw for birders, and not all are migratory. However, Migration is the time of the year when woodland species and shorebirds are often in pretty close proximity, so where one goes looking for one, one is bound to find the other.

xviiNot all birds are created equal. Keep your warblers, I'll take a raptor any day.